Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
