new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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