Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
