Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
