i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just had sex bonerless
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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