at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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