He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
