Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
