I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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