Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
