You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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