Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
