my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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