Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
