I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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