Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I pour the whiskey from now on
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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