did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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