I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
