i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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