Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
