Small penises have feelings too.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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