Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
