But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
