Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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