i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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