When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
