I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
