Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
