i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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