College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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