I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
