Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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