i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
