i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
