I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
