she takes plan B like it's going out of style
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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