My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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