I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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