I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We have so much sex to catch up on
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
