He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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