Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
