I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
