I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
