So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
