So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
