i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
