I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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