i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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