Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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