this just has baby written all over it
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
