my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
