I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
