Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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