Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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